The blood pounded so loudly within the walls of Forever that I squeezed
my eyes shut and threw my arm over my head and ears to block out the
ambient noise. I half-feared the emotional strain would rend apart the
structures; walls would crash, roofs cave, windows shatter under the
intensity. How could it not, this human habitation groomed to harish
citadel, now throbbing with forces surely it couldn't hold at once
without some eloquent threnody of collapse? We were all of us here; the
beams would buckle with a beautiful splintering. Cobweb, its soul: me,
its heart: Terzien, its brittle skeleton: Thiede, the omnipotent
observer and weird breath of life. I surrendered to sleeplessness; the
ghosts of generations gibbered silently at the spectacle sheltered under
the eaves and tiles, walls and hybrid ambiances.
Seel murmured in his sleep when I carefully eased out of the bed. I
caught a faded phrase of protection and smiled at the unintended gift.
My traveling cloak lay in a puddle on a chair by the door. I took it,
quietly opening and closing the door before padding down the corridor.
The kitchen was empty and this surprised me. With so many hara here and
the tension of the prior few days' events thick and nautilus-like,
chamber after chamber of it, I'd expected half of the household to
be sitting around the table. Instead, it was still, though peace had
been driven far away and I had no idea when it would return. Mostly I
was grateful not to find Thiede sitting with his lacquered-toed feet
resting on a chair. He was here somewhere, but I was glad not to have
stumbled on him in a doubtless lurid dressing gown, gazing up at the
moon. I found a bottle of sheh about half full and tucked it under my
cloak, toeing into my shoes in the front entryway and then went outside.
My steps, unsurprisingly, took me out to the summerhouse, eerie and
beckoning as it had been throughout my youth. The night wasn't
overly cold, but certainly not an environment in which to venture
without a coat. I listened to the sound of the rugged soles of my boots
on the gravel and then how my steps were absorbed into the sussurative
grass as I neared the building. No interior lights had been lit, but
within a few steps of the door which drooped lazily from its hinges, I
knew my hostling was there. My heels crunched on some broken glass; I
was no stealthy jungle cat now, merely a har who was unduly pleased to
find a kindred spirit with whom to talk.
He was comfortably reposed, his legs pulled up under himself, an
expectant magnetism in his eyes. "There's room for two,"
he said with a languid pat to the space by him, barely discernable in
the murky dark.
"Thanks." I made my way over as quietly as possible, feeling
as I always did that this was a sanctuary, a place where lives were made
and broken. I winced when the chair creaked, but Cobweb didn't seem
to be worried, so I sank down by his side. For all of his intuition, I
didn't believe that my hostling truly read minds, so I explained a
little bit of what was keeping me awake, and how my heart beat for Seel
alone.
"We're going to be blood bound. By Thiede," I elaborated.
Cobweb made a noncommittal noise, a mordant upturn to his exquisite
lips.
"Thiede made me want him. For years. And he forced Seel into the
bargain. I know that," I said, fingering the bottle, moonlit and
luminous green. "But now he loves me. Or so he said. Once."
Cobweb barked a laugh at that, but in that moment I knew well my
hostling, and knew his thoughts weren't overtly malicious.
"You're infected by Cal, he's infected by Cal. All shall be
well."
I scowled at him, then spontaneously laid my head on his shoulder.
"I love him regardless. Thiede will leave, the Gelaming will return
to Immanion—" Cobweb's body tensed at the word
Gelaming— "we shall remain. There's Azriel to think of.
Thiede decreed that he be made, but just because Seel hosted my pearl
wouldn't mean he'd acknowledge he actually has feelings for me.
He was manipulated, before, but he was nearly Uigenna. He wouldn't
allow himself to be bound to me if he didn't truly care for
me."
Cobweb's silence held us together, warmly, in its shroud. "And
I am Sulh. But if Thiede had commanded me to ride naked with bells on my
ankles into the former citadel of Fulminir like Lady Godiva, I could no
more have said no than a trained dog."
"You're not helping," I murmured, willing away the
troubled visions that had crept into my head at the mention of Fulminir.
That conquest was mere days ago, another jagged cut into the naïveté
I'd held about the world.
"Oh," Cobweb deadpanned, his elegant fingers reaching out to
caress the back of my hand. "Forgive me. Yes, Seel is beautiful,
and I can tell he cares for you. But he's strong-willed, and he has
a wide streak of resentfulness. Then again, he is hostling to your
Azriel, and he's a lovely harling. Though goodness knows what effect
growing up with Tyson will have on him."
Cheekily, I turned my head and bit at Cobweb's shoulder. He pinched
at my thigh above the knee and I yelped.
"Tyson can't help who his hostling is," I said, the words
lame even to my own ears.
"No. It's Cal. We're all tainted by him, every one of
us." His tone was rich with bitterness as he eased the bottle of
sheh out of my hands and drank from it. "This blood binding
ceremony. Does your consort even know its happening, and soon?"
Guilt crept gingerly down toward my stomach. "Um, no. Though I
think he won't be surprised. Should I suggest it? Even if Thiede
hadn't promised him to me
"
My hostling lay against the mouldering chaise, slowly shaking his head.
"Promised to you? He really does rule us all! How maudlin."
"But Seel loves me!" I insisted, shifting to sit cross-legged,
tugging my mussed hair out of my collar. I'd come straight from bed,
ungroomed and disheveled. "So maybe he was pushed into it
originally, but we'll be happy together. Both of us, and Azriel, and
Tyson, and you." I paused. "And everyone in Forever."
"Terzian won't approve." He spoke with a detached
resignation that shocked me.
"I don't want to talk about him."
"He's your father."
"He's dying."
"Not quickly, Swift, and we both know why he's hanging
on."
I took another swig of sheh, grimaced, and put the bottle off to the
side. Cobweb sat quietly, a still-life portrait, beautiful and remote.
"Cal isn't the devil come to life in harish form," I
offered.
"Others would say otherwise."
"Oh Cobweb," I moaned, throwing myself into his lap as though
I were still a harling, though I was taller than he was now by several
inches. "I don't care what Terzian thinks. I want you to tell
me that you'll spread good omens on our joining, that it will be
sunny and there will be jugs of fragrant wine and Bryony will cry and
we'll all live in peace."
His fingers carded through my hair, tender and deliberate.
"You know I can't tell you that."
"Then lie to me."
"You know I'd never do so." Still his fingers wove under
my hair, massaging at the base of my skull. "I will wish good
fortune on you," he said, his voice tranquil. "These have been
very trying times, and I know well that we're not out of the woods
yet. But you, my son, for you of course I wish happiness." He
sighed. "It will be a Gelaming affair, I suppose."
"I will always be a Varr," I said stubbornly, though the image
of Thiede standing before us, his long teeth glinting, an unmistakable,
deadly peacock did give me pause.
"Then I shall grant you Varrish blessings." He squeezed gently
on my shoulder. "Come, let's give sleep a chance to find us,
back in our beds."
I unfurled from his lap and held out my hand. He took it, draping his
arm through mine as we walked through the hushed night. I'd tried
not to obsess over Thiede's words at Fulminir, and given all that
had happened in only a few days with Terzian's return, they'd
remained dormant. Now, though, after Cobweb opened the front door,
kissed me on the cheek and sent me to bed, I found Thiede's
nonchalance of giving and manipulating hara like property to be
distasteful, even if I suffered the indignity of being pleased by this
particular result. Being joined with Seel, whether in Grissecon, or
aruna, or for the remainder of our known lives in blood, it was
certainly not a mere trifle.
I thought we understood each other, he'd said. No, I could
never understand him, although I did hold on to a flimsy hope that
he'd take pity on Terzian.
I relieved myself in the downstairs bath and climbed the stairs to the
rooms where Seel and I were staying to carefully crawl back into bed. I
tried not to wake Seel but he turned over, eyes open though heavy-lidded
with drowsiness.
"Where'd you go?" he asked, yawning, and then enfolding me
in his arms.
"Out to the summerhouse. Couldn't sleep," I mumbled into
the warm musk of his neck.
"Hmmmm."
My eyelids drifted shut, but my mind still pondered questions I felt I
should ask in this mystical, pre-dawn hour. Seel hadn't gone to
sleep again; his breathing gave that away.
"Seel?"
He made an indistinct noise.
"I know you and I were both manipulated into being attracted to
each other, at least at first. You've confessed that you have
genuine feelings for me
do you trust me?" I placed a chaste
blossom of a kiss on his collarbone. "Do you feel I'm worthy of
being more than a consort?"
Seel took in a long breath and exhaled it slowly, letting his fingers
drift down the ridge of my spine. "I've seen forced joinings,
Swift," he murmured into my hair. "I vowed never to take part
in anything so barbaric."
"So you don't want to be publicly bound to me?" My insides
were churning, but a thread of rightness about it all clung tenaciously
around my heart.
"It's not that. I do care about you, very, very much. Whether
or not Thiede's hand is involved." Seel's hand gripped my
hip. "You seem so young to me, sometimes. Am I who you want? I have
dark rivers in me, you know."
I sensed the tides were turning, and nestled even more closely to him.
"I never thought you were simple, or anything other than who you
are. I have a temper, too."
Seel made a scoffing noise at that.
"I do!"
"I'll be interested to see it. For now, though, let's
sleep. Goodness only knows what the new day will bring."
"I can speak with Cobweb about the blood-binding ceremony,
then?" I asked, insinuating my leg between his muscled limbs.
"Part of me thinks he's already been planning it, but yes.
Let's do it and be done. I'm not totally comfortable with it,
but you do have my heart, at least most of it. What a mess. Are you sure
you want to do this?"
"More than ever," I said, snuggling into his lithe form.
Getting Seel to admit his true feelings was like pulling teeth, but I
knew he spoke from the heart. I pulled the words around me like a
blanket, and sank into sleep.
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